dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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