sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
