I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
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And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
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Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Drunk is a universal language darling
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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