i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
