You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
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Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
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You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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