Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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