Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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