I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
