I just threw up on my dentist
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
