the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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