I just cut my nipple shaving
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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