Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
