I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
