Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
