I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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