Screwed.edu
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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