i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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