Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
