Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
