Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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