Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
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