made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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