the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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