Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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