and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
