I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
