he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
