I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Randomize
