so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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