I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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