Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
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