She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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