i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
