Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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