Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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