I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
