It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
