mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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