Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
The uberlube is also flammable
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
