Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I have aggressive nipples.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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