someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
