I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
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Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
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Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.