I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.