My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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