I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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