I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
