God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
