when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
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