Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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