You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
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some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
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I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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