Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
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Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
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Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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