I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
