i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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