Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
