So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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