gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
