Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
